The Curse of Motherhood

It doesn't get any easier...

It's not an every day thing. It's not something that is constantly being dwelled upon....

It's a once in a while, gut feeling. It's quick and sharp, almost like having the wind knocked out of you...

A fleeting moment that causes you to ponder the realization that it isn't forever. The time is passing. This part of life is ending...

I could be referring to a million different things, but let me start at the beginning and it will all make sense....

Spoiler alert, it ends in me bawling my face off. Surprise, surprise...

Olivia had an adventure of a day with her Papa. He babysat her for the first time while I was at work, and I honestly can't tell who had the better time, him or her. Which is hilarious, because if you knew Papa (Olivia's GREAT Grandpa, emphasis on the great), you'd expect him to have been bored to tears and miserable. Either way, they had a blast, and the day was great.

As we crept towards bedtime, I could tell Olivia was totally exhausted. She had so much fun with Papa, that she barely napped. (Hopefully that plays out in our favor tonight, and she sleeps in! 🤞)

Normally my kiddo fights bedtime until the bitter end, but tonight, all I had to say was "night, night", and that chick hopped into my arms to go upstairs so fast that I couldn't believe it. No tears, no physical struggle...Amazing...

By the time we reached the top of the stairs, Olivia was grasping me tightly. As I walked into her room to lay her down in bed, I could feel her grasp tightening even more. Her fingers clutched my hair. Her breathing deepened, and I could tell she was asleep.

I stood there for a moment, contemplating my next move. Do I lay her down and continue on with my evening? Do I linger a little longer?

That is when the feeling hit...

That punch to the gut feeling. A thousand paper cuts would have been less painful.

I stood there, realizing that my baby would only be one year old for 4 more days.

Two years old.

I had a baby two years ago.

Two years have passed.

It feels like I haven't even blinked and two years are over.

How did this happen?!?!

So, I sat down on her little toddler bed with her still wrapped around my neck. I sat there for a while, just listening to her breathe. That's when the water works started...

I make so many jokes about how crazy my kid is, How strong willed she is, how frustrating she is. I hate to admit it, but there have been times when I wish she'd just grow up (like when she's throwing epic temper tantrums).

How could I ever wish for that?

A wave of guilt washed over me and I cried a little more, still holding that little girl in my arms.

After what felt like forever, I finally laid her down and kissed her forehead. If I didn't pull myself away then, I probably would have sat there crying all night long.

The more I learn and grow into Motherhood, the more I understand what a curse it is. To love someone so fiercely, to protect them, and then have to understand that eventually you'll have to let them go.

So I will make even more of an effort to cherish the last 4 days of being one. I will make more of an effort to cherish two, and three, and four. I will be more mindful of this time, because it won't last forever. It won't last nearly long enough.

It will be over before I know it....

Welp. 😭😭😭